I hate when I see trigger warnings. I never know if I want to stay away from the words or I am compelled to read more. I don’t want to make my writing too much of a trigger, but we all have different reasons for being upset in our reading, so I thought it best to put the warning.
I have not had anything to drink for 4 months. I am not an alcoholic, I just decided after a surgery a few months ago that I would take a break. I felt good, I lost a few pounds and I woke up feeling a little better about myself.
Things changed last night.
I have been extremely stressed at work. People and work and crap and noise coming at me from 100 different directions. It’s not good for my mental health to be this stressed and I know that . But I think I hit a wall before I was expecting it. I was bitchy, exhausted and stressed so I bought a bottle of wine. I only had 2 glasses but that was enough..
…enough to send my brain into downward spiral of just plain gross-ness.
I tried like heck to stay stable. I called a friend and talked to him, I watched tv to try to zone out, but my mind started picturing the horror of what I could do to myself if I really wanted to. And there is something about alcohol that does make it easier to make choices you may not normally take.
I can’t even remember my exact feelings or emotions, but I cut myself on my arm. Not for the first time but it has been awhile. It was a nasty cut. Have I gone to get stitches? No. I have actually read that the caring of our wounds is one of the ways to mend our minds after we have done an act of self injury. The cut is always the worst for me. I can injure myself in other ways that are not quite as deep, but last night I did it.
I am not mad at myself, nor ashamed which I am happy about. Regret, yes, but what’s done is done.
I am not drinking again. I know the dangers. I just have to keep reminding myself of them.
Thanks for reading.