Upside Down and all Around..

I had to get out of my house today. While I hate being in the chaos of work, I knew that I had to get myself out of the darkness and loneliness of my house.

I decided to yes, come into work today!  I had nothing else to do (that wouldn’t cost money or time or energy or whatever), so I came to the office. The bliss of the quietness of the office on a Sunday morning has been awesome. In the matter of 2 hours I have gotten more done than almost a whole day in the chaos and noise of the regular work week.  Also, I have a nice window to look out of so that is good. I have to pat my self on the back for practicing a bit of care to my mind and body by leaving the house and doing SOMETHING as opposed to nothing or hurting myself.

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And then my goofy brain kicks in.

I don’t get it. I am working, going through emails and other tasks and then all of a sudden my mind turns upside down. I can’t focus on anything, my brain starts racing and I think of injuring myself or worse. WHY does this happen?? I HATE this!!!!!!!

So now what? What’s my plan?

It’s not even noon yet and I have a lot of hours ahead of me. I think I will go to the Dollar Store and buy some Easter gifts for my grandson. That will make me happy.

And then home. To the quiet that isn’t as pleasing as the quiet this morning. But then there are so many days I come home from work and all I want is the quiet of my home. Until my brain flips upside down and again and starts thinking dark thoughts.

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I haven’t been this way for quite some time. My therapist commented that he hasn’t seen me quite so stressed and injuring myself in quite some time. What’s up?  Hell, I don’t know. I just don’t know.

For now I will lock the office door and head to the Dollar Store. It’s a start. Right?

I hope so.

Thanks as always for reading.

Jackie W.

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