Hell, I hate myself sometimes. I can’t figure myself out and I am 51 years old!!! One day I think I am feeling a bit more positive and the next I have slipped back in my hole. I think I feel more comfortable in my hole yjan other places, but I shouldn’t be.
I should BE with my life.
Instead I sit here, just regrouping from a long work week, doing nothing, only to have to go back to work reality on Monday.
I don’t know what I want with who I am and I don’t know how to fix it. Or should I fix it? Well since I am in an active time of self-injury and self-deprecation, then I really should change or fix me.
I saw my therapist yesterday, That helped to see him, but I wished I could take him home with me (hahahaha, sometimes for different reasons than others!!). Today, I just wish I could remember what all we talked about and his guidance. Im sitting here trying to hear his voice in my brain. I have seen him for so many years that I just want to remember!!!!!!! Today, I don’t seem to be able to.
I don’t know. I am tired. I am tired of the suicidal images (though thankfully they have calmed down a bit). I am tired of not liking myself of wishing I was different.
I am definitely rambling today. I hope you have stayed to read my words. It helps to know that somebody out there is reading, and maybe even relating to my thoughts.
Love you to all.