Anniversaries and depression

Today is the first day of spring. It is also my wedding anniversary. I was married 25 years ago today. I was divorced 13 years ago this May. I have been down for a few months for a variety of reasons, but today just added to the mix.

I made a very regretful choice that led to my divorce. Was the demise of our relationship all my fault? Of Course Not!! I know that he played his part in the end of our union. His alcoholism and his lack of “caring” for the children or the marriage itself didn’t help. And neither did my actions.

Twenty Five Years….

Where has all of this time gone? I try not to look back too much because the parts of my mental illness that make me hurt myself are very clear in my mind and in the forefront. My scars, both fresh and old are many and I need to stop beating myself up, mentally and physically.

As much as I know that I am in a better place than if I had stayed in an abusive relationship (verbal and emotional), I still care about my ex-husband. I still love him. He has been remarried for several years and I rarely see him or talk to him; but his presence in my mind is still there, and always will be.

woman-texting-hands-iphone-e1498233334899

I texted my ex-husband today. I supposed I shouldn’t have, but I did. I knew he wouldn’t reply, but I had to tell him that I was thinking about our 25 year “anniversary,” about how I regretted our divorce and my guilt; about how I hoped he was happy and that I would always care for him. I didn’t use the word Love, so I think that was ok.

Part of me feels silly for the text. Part of me understands me and the need to say my words.

I hope with this anniversary coming to an end, I can start to feel better, brighter in my mind and my heart. Even if just a little.

Thanks for reading

Jackie W.

 

 

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