My 21 year old daughter is leaving today, and so is my 18 month old grandaughter. They are moving to a new state to “live an adventure.” They, along her boyfriend want to move somewhere new and see what life somewhere else is like. I get it, I understand that desire. My brain understands, but
I am crushed
I am BEYOND crushed.
The pain inside of my heart is unfathomable. For two weeks I have been starting to cry at a moment’s notice and two nights ago and again last night as we said our goodbyes, as my door closed, as I watched them leave out the window, I lost it. I try to tell myself that it is ok to cry, to be sad but I get angry at myself because I feel like I go BEYOND the “norm.” And when I get really angry at myself I hurt myself. Not a good combination. Last night I wasn’t too bad, I only hurt myself once. But I did have a glass of wine (which I have abstained from for almost 90 days.) That, along with my meds and I fell asleep fairly quickly.
I am awake and it’s a new day. Do I feel better? I guess maybe a little but I am also sitting in this fog in my head that I cannot shake yet. I can’t think about my daughter leaving. It hurts so bad. I feel bad about the glass of wine but not terribly so. I poured out the rest of the bottle this morning and will get back on track.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Bipolar II. My brain and my Self have been fairly stable for several years, but I have periods when I get all in a mix of just plain YUCK in my head. I know it will clear up. That’s where I know that I am healthier than I used to be. Before, the YUCK was there and I was petrified that I would live like that forever. Now I know I won’t but it still hurts while I walk through this mire.
One of the symptoms of BPD is fear of abandonment. The DSM V states this as “frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. ” Abandonment tells me that someone is leaving the other person – actually like leaving them. I don’t see that with my daughter. I know her departure is not BECAUSE of me. But the agonizing pain and the intense desire to have her stay is real. I picture never seeing her again, something happening to her and I can’t get to her. I roll these images through my head hour by hour, day by day and it is exhausting.
My therapist has been helping me through this. I am so glad I have him to talk to. I know (or at least hope I know) that when she gets situated our relationship will move into a new realm. I am not losing her. It feels like I am, but I am not.
I am already planning a trip to see her and my granddaughter this summer so that gives me something to look forward to. Except I have to say good-bye to her again. And again.
And Again….I wish it didn’t hurt so much.
Thanks for reading.