I had a good weekend with my grandson. His sweet little ways helped me from falling further into the hole. For those moments. I saw my daughter and son-in-law and my other grandson and we enjoyed laughing and a having a meal together. The family togetherness pulled me out of the hole. For that moment.
The underlying darkness is forever waiting to make its presence known.
I woke up this morning physically hurting and mentally not well. I called in sick to work. I am thankful I have an understanding boss and I can do some work while I sit here on my bed. But the darkness has its way of challenging me.
Trust my words I have been soooooooo much further down the deep hole than I am feeling right now. I recognize this and that is a strength for me. I feel like I am in a hole with a little ledge inside of it. I am on that ledge, grabbing towards the top. I just can’t find the muscles in my mind to pull myself out.
I have not injured myself for 3 days. That is a good thing. I hate when I get back in this pattern of self-injury. It has been months since I have been in this pattern of injury. 3 days is 3 days. Tomorrow I hope it to be 4.
I know that positives in my life help feel better. Spending time with my grandkids and my children is a positive. I don’t get that positive on a daily or even weekly basis, but I hold on to those memories to keep me on the ledge in the hole.
Or maybe to help me climb out.
Thank you for reading