**This may be a trigger for some. Please be advised and be safe**
I hate my body. I know, that is not earth shattering information. Many of us do. But today, I felt absolutely disgusted with my body. I wanted to vomit. If if could have, I would.
I have not work a bathing suit in probably almost 15 years. Being a mom of 4, 51 years old and a product injuring myself, I am not that keen on showing my body. I am not severely overweight, but the way I look unclothed just disgusts me. I can handle looking at my face after make up is on, but that’s about it.
I don’t think I have felt this way my whole life, but it started after my divorce 15 years ago. I became increasingly unhappy and my mental illness took ahold of me quite severely for several years. My self-injury rocked my world and became something that moved from my legs to my arms and I am now riddled with very severe scars. I don’t show my arms…
Back to the bathing suit. I am supposed to go on a work retreat this weekend that I am dreading. All everyone is talking about is how beautiful the place is and there is a hot tub that we all can use. I know I can abstain from the hot tub, but I also can already feel the pressure from everyone. They have pressured me in the past about swimming or hot springs and when I say I hate my body and can’t wear a suit they all kinda of give me that “what are you ashamed of, we are all over 50 we all understand bathing suits!” So I ordered this suit on Amazon. It was ok in the picture – long sleeve with a bathing suit like bottom with a little cutout in the front – almost a surfer-like look. But I could cover my arms.
Well, I tried it on today and looked in a mirror. I was horrified by how gross I looked to myself. Just awful. big breasts, no butt, midlife stomach starting to show and scars all on my legs. I keep flashing back to this image. I hate it. It stressed me to the point that I want to hurt myself (break the 3 days I haven’t done so)
Why do I feel this way? Why is my body image so absolutely horrible? Why do I just want to stay covered from head to toe?
So much for the bathing suit. And I will just have to nut it up at the retreat and deal with comments if I don’t partake in the hot tub or swimming in the pool. It’s two days.
I can do this.
Thanks for reading