These are my words…however they come out

I have to start another blog site and it’s because I cannot feel I can be completely real on the other one. I am enjoying blogging but when there are days or weeks or moments that just suck, I want to be able to get the words out and share them. With someone. Anybody. Except family. I know they worry so much about my and so I do my best to keep my “stuff” to myself.

I am a 51 year old woman, single with 4 kids , 3 out of the house and one at home. I have Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder. I don’t want to feel like this these diagnoses are what distinguish who I am, but I also know that the struggles are real. I have been rapid cycling on and off for weeks and if you are not sure what that is, please feel free to ask.

My 18 year old son just moved out which was necessary and also hard for me. My 21 year old daughter and my granddaughter are moving 2 states away from me in a month and that is just crushing me. Those awful feelings of abandonment are running strong and I can’t seem to stop my obsessive thoughts running round and round and round my brain. In my brain I know I will be ok, but in my heart my feelings are different.

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I am also on major overload of work – not too much work but hating what I am doing, feeling guilty for hating what I am doing. I have a decent job and make a decent living and  UGH – I just can’t think. I feel so unsettled and so scared about the future. The future for me (financially things are going to continue to get worse after  my youngest turns 18), the future of my children….thoughts just spin around and they can’t setting. I absolutely HATE this!!!!

I don’t know if I will continue blogging through this page or not. I hope so because it feels good just to “let it out” and not worrying about who may see it.  I hope if you are reading, you just read through this mess and get to the other side. haha and maybe even follow me!

That’s all I can write for now. I am so mixed up inside that I can’t seem to get much straight in my thoughts, much less is my words.

Thanks for reading.

J.W

 

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